you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
