i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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