I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
