im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Pants are for mortals
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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