Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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