i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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