guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
