I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
