Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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