I'm eating all of the evidence.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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