you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
The best revenge is premature balding
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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