Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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