Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
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