Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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