So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
