I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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