"it" just moved
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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