South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Still dying that you shit outside
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
