it wasn't lemon gatorade
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
