Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
