If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I will be naked everywhere
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
