We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
we're so committed to being not committed
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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