I should be sponsored by Trojan
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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