She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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