Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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