I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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