I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
