Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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