Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
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