I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
