Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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