I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
