can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
