my being single is dangerous.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
