just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
