I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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