So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
