think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize