They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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