Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
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