Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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