5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
