just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
