My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
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