My liver just broke up with me...
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize