you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
