dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
