when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
