Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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