Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
