my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
