so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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