Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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